Tuesday, January 12, 2010

I've Got Nothin'

Having spent much of Sunday night in the emergency room with my dehydrated five-year-old, I woke up Monday morning, well, exhausted. (Not a good way to start a new day, much less a new week.) Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. Spent.

And here I am on Tuesday morning feeling much the same way. Struggling to pry myself away from facebook games and self-pity parties as I watch my daughter (hopefully)sleep away the nausea. Thanking God for what we like to call "liquid gold" (the really expensive medicine that stops her from throwing up, which we would -- and did-- pay any amount of money for). And racking my brain - and my heart - for other things I can be encouraged by and thankful for.

Part of the problem is that I've already been here, done that, and don't want to do it again. See, we did this last March. First the e.r., then nine days later a three-day stay for her in the hospital. All for dehydration. We've run the gamut -- from barf bowls to I.V.'s to pull-up diapers for diarrhea and more. And, quite frankly, I don't want to run that gamut again.

But here we are. Right smack in the middle of the gamut.

And as I'm running -- no, crawling -- through it, I'm searching for something to grasp. Some piece of hope that tells me she's not going to throw up again. That my older daughter won't get it. Even just that God is going to use this to give me some incredible insight or wisdom or depth or something.

But, honestly, right now, I've got nothing but the fact that somehow -- I'm guessing by God's new mercies -- I made it through yesterday.

Lamentations 3:22-23 (New International Version)

22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.


laura said...

Bria, I got down on my knees and interceded for you and Hanna tonight - something I'm embarrassed to admit that I rarely do for any reason. Then as I was rereading your blog entry, I remembered some of the book I've been reading (www.amazon.com/Forgotten-God-Reversing-Tragic-Neglect/dp/1434767957). The quote goes something like this: if we had the physical Jesus beside us every minute of every day as our personal Counselor, we would SURELY live obviously Christ-like lives (full of power and fruit and wisdom, etc). But Jesus said that it was BETTER for him to leave the earth because one JUST LIKE HIM would come to live inside us! Think of it! We have GOD INSIDE US every minute of every day! We of course know that, but it hit me in a new way today! Why should it make such a difference that the presence of God is invisible rather than visible?

If God IS in me, shouldn't I spend more time listening to his perfect counsel? Shouldn't I boldly act on the fact that nothing is impossible for a mom who has Jesus inside? Shouldn't I always be aware of the necessity of suffering and not be so surprised or offended or mopey when it comes? Shouldn't I move through life with my eye always focused on the goal?

I've been pitying myself because of morning sickness lately. So hard to strike a balance between rest and laziness! But the truth is that I haven't WANTED to strike a balance. So, my prayer lately has been "Lord, help me WANT to obey you!" But maybe I need to add something else "And Lord, give me more of Your Spirit so that I can." I don't think it's possible to be too full of the Spirit, so we can always ask for more! Since I can't spend all day with my own physical Jesus beside me, can't I spend all day with my own Holy Spirit? After all, Jesus said that was BETTER anyway!

I pray that tomorrow the Lord encourages you, gives you more of His Spirit, and increases your joy and hope in Him!

Much Love, laura

brianna said...

Thank you, Laura. Truly. Encouraged.

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