What I'm Doing About My Obsession With Mail

I have this long-standing love affair with mail.  E-mail.  Snail mail.  I love it all.  I remember going out to get the mail when I was a child and finding what seemed to be endless amounts addressed to my parents. Nearly every.single.day.  It didn't matter that the majority of it was either bills or circulars.  From my perspective, the fact that my parents would merit the sending of something  through the mail made them somewhat heroic.  Because I loved getting anything in the mail.  Still do, actually.  Excepting the bills, I suppose.

Magazines.  Love them.  Lands End catalogs.  Uh-huh.  I even like getting those little cards reminding me that I have an upcoming dentist appointment.  But nothing beats the excitement I feel when I sort through the mail and find some sort of hand-written note or card.  Especially when my name is on that top line.  Upon discovering it, I rush inside before opening and reading it so I can soak in every word that was written just for me.  **That wait is not as easy as it once was now that I live in the country and have a pretty long driveway.  And, I feel convicted to confess to you that I don't always have the fortitude to wait.  Sometimes I just rip it open on my way up the driveway.  Then I get inside and read it all again.  Since we're on the topic of confession, I also struggle with waiting until my kids get home to open the occasional invitation or card.  And I actually called my husband at work one time to ask if I could open a piece of mail that he got before he got home.  Okay -- now that I've spelled it out, I feel better for getting it off my chest and at the same time kinda' concerned.  Maybe this obsession with mail is something I need to deal with?

I've handed it down to my daughter as well.  In fact, when she was three-years-old, she loved mail and mailboxes so much that I actually put one in her room that I decorated just for her.  She still has it.  And it's stuffed with cards and postcards and notes.

There is just something about getting mail that warms my soul to its very tendrils.  Something about knowing that somebody thought of me for a long enough period of time to form those thoughts into words and send them to me.  It's proof that somebody thought about me and wanted me to know it.

And, though the obsession might be a bit extreme (already admitted), I don't think I'm alone in this.

So I wonder why I'm not more intentional with my written words.  Why is it that I don't take more time to encourage others the way that I love to be encouraged?  Like the great aunt whose husband has been ill for months and must be as exhausted as she is faithful.  Or the friend who opens her home every Thursday morning after getting her three kids to school so a group of us can pray for each other and our families.  Why don't I just send even a short note to thank them?  To let them know I think of them and pray?

I've been reading this blog called (in)courage.me for a while now.  It's purpose is encouraging women.  That's where I learned that today is the National Day of Encouragement.  Didn't even know there was such a thing.  And that's why I accepted the challenge to encourage someone with a card from one of Dayspring's new line of Hope and Encouragement cards.  They gave me the cards (I know!) and I agreed to use them and write about it.  What a great challenge.

So here I am.  Challenged.  Willing.  Encouraged to encourage.  Encouraging you to do the same.

Happy National Day of Encouragement. :)

Deliverance Ponderings

I'm studying today.  Psalm 40.  It's thick and heavy on my heart lately.  The kind of thick and heavy that can only be processed with the One Who inspired both the Psalm as well as the thick and heavy.

As I study, my heart weighs the truth of my down-and-dirty against His Word.   The only real and true Standard for living.  Himself revealed so that I can live.  Really live.

So I go upstairs and gather my notes from long ago.  I carry the box that contains all the seminary wisdom from previous years, and I revisit the grounding of this dream.  Why is it that I want to write?  To teach? 

Then He nudges my heart and refines His calling.  And in so doing, He refines the questions.  WHAT is it that HE wants me to write?  To teach?

And He firmly replies . . . seek Me, child.  Make Me your trust.  I have made you Mine for a purpose.  To make Me famous.  Trust Me, child.  Trust Me.  So that "many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD."

And I get lost in the study.  Excited by the details of the Living Word.  No longer worried about where He might take me.  Or what He might do with the work I do.  No longer concerned with the details of tomorrow.  I focus on what is Real.

And I wait.

Because He's teaching me a new song.  He's the Composer. 

I am to learn it.  And sing it well.  Oh how I want to sing it beautifully.  For Him.  Then, He takes care of the rest.  "Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD."  My job = sing the song He gives me.

Because His is the only song that matters.  And the only song I really want to sing.

My heart protests a bit, but Lord, I am poor and needy.  Think of me, Lord.  "You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay."  I cannot do this.  Don't ever stop delivering me.  For before me everyday is a battle : to sing Your song or not.  Oh Lord, I need Your victory.  

And so I sing.

He Speaks, She Speaks, I Speak

It was among the most sacrificial birthday gifts my husband has ever given me.  A registration to the She Speaks! conference in Charlotte, NC the last weekend of July.  It's a conference for women who want to pursue Christian ministry in the areas of leading, writing, and/or speaking.

My husband and I had never even heard of the conference until this past February when I was surfing one of my very most favorite blogs, Chatting at the Sky.  I think I was avoiding some monumental task like cleaning up after dinner, when I came across Emily's story of how she was offered a book-writing contract at last year's She Speaks! conference.  Reading her story made my heart really super excited (you know, like beating really fast, can't click fast enough kind of excited).  Because I recognized my dream as I read about hers.  (BTW, I so greatly admire this woman -- for her heart, for the way that she writes, for the way that she makes me think about mundane life stuff from an adoring-God kind of perspective.)  So I took a risk and said it out loud to my husband.  I told him I wanted to go to this conference.  I reminded him of my dream.  The one about being a published writer. 

It's a dream I've not talked about much until recently.  Because somehow saying it out loud makes failure accessible.  What if I never do it?  Or worse yet, what if I give it my every ounce of the best I've got and then fail?  It's also a dream that my awesome husband has never, ever let me forget about.  Like the birthday eight years ago when he rallied my parents, his parents and my sister to pay the registration fee for me to attend a Christian writer's conference the following summer.  Even though I learned a lot at that conference, I never did anything with what I had learned.  And I have always felt guilty about that, even though I was four months from birthing my first child and entering a season of life during which my only ministry focus would be feeding babies and wiping their stinky adorable little butts.  It was that guilt that made me a little more than trepidacious to ask my husband what he though about me attending She Speaks!  Well actually, it was the false guilt mixed with the fear about what might happen if I actually did get to go.

That night, I started praying that God would get me to the conference if that was what He wanted for me.  So when I applied for the scholarship the next month, I expected God to saturate my entry with the same dew that He used to soak Gideon's fleece.

I didn't get the scholarship.

You might imagine that I was dissapointed.  But, believing I had seen the fleece in all of its dryness, I asked God if He could maybe soak it for me next year.

Then my husband decided to surprise me for my birthday.  He'd prayed about it and believed that God was leading us to send me to the conference! 

I spent the next few months wondering if I'd finagled my way to getting what I wanted.  I can be manipulative, you know.  Then God nudged me one day as I sat upon my lawn mower praying.  And with clarity, He reminded me that it was He Himself that planted this dream inside of me.  That day, my question changed from "Will I succeed?" to "Am I willing to pursue it for no other reason than that He asked me to?"

Very first night, very first session.  Lysa Terkeurst asked the same.exact.question.

Do you see what I wrote in my notes as she spoke that night?!?  "Will you go just b/c He asked you to?"  Yeah. I know!

While I was at the conference, I partook of immeasurable wisdom.  Those Proverbs 31 ladies are anointed by God!!! Seriously!  (And so many of them are southern that I was seriously beginning to wonder if God could annoint a northern girl like me to bring it.  Then He put Karen Ehman on the stage, and, well, she definitely brought it!  So -- thanks, Karen, for representing us northerners so well. :-P)  And, again, He brought me to a point in my spirit where I had to deal with more questions...

• What am I afraid of -- if God is with me? (um, He promised.  So He is!)
• Do I believe that He called me to this?  Even if I don't "succeed" by the world's definition of that word?  
• Am I willing to stand right smack inside of what God has called me to, not comparing my calling with anyone else's?  AND Am I excited for other people when it is their turn and not mine?
• Why do I want this?  Is my purpose to make God famous?  Or is it to make myself famous?
• Am I really on the same team as these amazing women of God or are they just somehow especially annointed, extraordinarily called?

So here's what I learned : How to answer each and every one of those questions with heart that wants nothing more than to make God famous.  I have nothing to be afraid of -- God Himself is with me.  Yes, I believe He called me to this.  No matter what.  Yes, I will stand inside of what God has called me to and cheer on everyone else who does the same.  I want to make God famous.  Yes!  We are on the same team.

I am still processing.  Thankfully, I had all of last week to begin the process of the processing while on vacation at the beach with my family.  But, in all honesty, most of that time was spent, well, swimming.  So I am certain that you will be reading more bits as I soak in more truths from my weekend at She Speaks!

Oh, and I even got to meet Emily!  We're friends now. ;)  Just sayin'.

On Reality and Dreams

Sometimes my dreams are so vivid that I can't distinguish them from reality.

Like last summer when I was training for my first half-marathon.   I had this recurring dream that I was walking, and for whatever reason could not pick up my legs to move them.  I had to just drag them, using every ounce of everything I had.  It was scary, that dream.  And it felt so real that it left me wondering for weeks what was wrong with me and hoping that whatever it was wouldn't flare up in the middle of the race.  I still sometimes wonder if it was real, expecting my legs to just cease working at any given time.

Funny thing about dreams : the more real they seem, the more details the imagination fills in, the harder they are to distinguish from reality.

Furthermore : bad dreams often equate with fear or anxiety.  But good ones represent hope.  Things you can't wait to actually live.

I have this dream of getting published someday.  It's restrained by fear that it will never happen.  Because fear and hope, although polar opposites, sometimes go hand-in-hand.  Like sweet and salty.  Only, rather than complementing flavors that make each other taste better, these two flavors oppose.  And I am faced with the Iron-Chef task of mixing unexpected flavors to create the most delicious gourmet dish.  So I can serve it to my Maker. 

The One Who gave me the dream itself.

What do you dream about?

Learning to Learn

I've never really been a competitive person. Or never thought I was anyway.  I went bowling with my parents once after I'd graduated from high school and got annoyed with them for trying to correct my form because I was not there to improve my game, I was there for the fun of it.  For a long time, I had prided myself on living in the moment.  Not on improving the moment.

Problem is, pride and real true living cannot coexist.

"God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble."

~James 4:6

And if God's the very One Who thought up this whole living thing in the first place, I'm pretty sure I don't want to be opposed by Him. Because real true living can only come from God Himself.  The Author of Life.

I started this blog thing a few years ago.  Because I want to be a writer.  And I've practiced my writing and made some new friends and started following some amazing blogs.  I have found some incredibly gifted writers whose skills I aspire to emulate.  Which was all good and fine.  Until the comparing began.  Which led to a secret competition.  All told, it was envy, really.

It caught me unaware.  But somewhere along the line, my desire to learn from all of these amazing people whom I had found in my new blogging life transformed into a sort of unannounced contest.  One that only I knew about.  Somehow the admiration and emulation of those whose blog posts and writing I admired turned into a secret rivalry.  Somewhere in all my longing to be used by God to teach truth to others, I lost the ability to let Him use others to teach me.

He showed me this a while back.  And I did not like it.  But as I have slowly come around to the truth of this conviction in my soul, I started realizing that there are so many different areas of my life where this holds true.

Like when I sing along with the radio in my car and try to belt out "Jesus Take the Wheel" better than Carrie Underwood herself. :)  (Go ahead an laugh out loud.  We ALL know that's just not gonna' happen!)

Or when I sit in a Bible study and think about how I might teach a particular truth instead of listening to the truth itself.

And so I've missed the point.

And I've also missed the living.  The learning.

So I am declaring today as the official end of this silent competition I've been having with Carrie Underwood and Beth Moore and that really pretty lady at the mall with five perfectly behaved children in tow behind her perfectly trimmed body getting into her gorgeous new Ford Expedition . . .  Because this life is not a competition.

Because this competition is stupid.  And there's no winning.

Because the only way to win is to surrender.  Throw in the towel.

So I'm out.

And this will not become a towel throwing contest.

Instead, I'm going to put that energy towards knowing the Master of my life.  Towards searching out what He wants me to do.  Towards doing whatever that is the way that He wants me to do it.

Care to join me?  I'd love to know about it...

She Speaks Conference Scholarship

One of the things I love about spring is my birthday.  There's just something about celebrating the life I have while watching life explode around me in colors that only God could have thought up.

And one of the things I love about my birthday is the shopping I get to do afterwards.

That's why it was a major deal when I was challenged to take a thirty-day "spending fast" a couple of years ago during the month of April.  The month of my birthday.  During that period of time, I only allowed myself to purchase what was absolutely necessary for my family's needs.  That meant no stops for Diet Coke at Mickey D's.  No three dollar shirts from the Kohl's clearance rack.  Not even a 25 cent book from Goodwill.  And I learned a lot about my lack of relying on the very Giver of Life to fill me with His real life.  I realized my propensity to find as many justifiable bargains as I could and then brag about them when someone admired them.  I learned that I found some of my worth in that.  I let that giddy feeling fill my need for true satisfaction and life.  The kind that can only be found in God Himself.

After the fast was over and I finally allowed myself to spend my birthday money, I don't even remember what I bought.  I do remember, however, that it did not take long to spend that money.  (I mean, c'mon, I learned some great lessons, I kept my vow to God, but I had some shopping to do!)  Because money burns holes in my pockets when I know I have it to spend.

Truth is kind of like that for me.  When I grab hold of a truth and God settles it inside me and grows it into some thoughts, I have to tell it.  I can't not share it.  It would burn holes in my heart, I think. 

That's why I write.  It's why I teach.  And it's why I got so stinkin' excited when I found out about the She Speaks conference. 

It's an annual conference by Proverbs 31 Ministries for women who want God to use them through writing, speaking, leading.  Seriously, the first time I read about this conference, I was almost dizzy with excitement just to find out that something so seemingly perfect even exists!  And I decided to make it a "prayer project."  So God could figure out a way for me to go.  In other words, when I excitedly told my husband about it and got to the cost details, we realized it's a little out of the budget that my husband and I have agreed upon for the "things that would be awesome but didn't plan on when we started saving" category. 

But if God wants me to go, He'll figure it out.  So I started praying about it.

Well, you might imagine my enthusiasm when I found out that Lysa Terkeurst is giving away a scholarship this month for the 2010 She Speaks Conference!  Because God answers prayer.  Through this scholarship, He will allow someone to go who maybe couldn't otherwise go.  And because I have no doubt that there are others like me who are watching to see how God figures it out for them to go as well.  And because this world of blogging is full of amazingly talented and gifted women who want to be used by God to help change lives with His truth.  So whether it's me or someone else, God will answer prayer.  Because He's good like that.

Always.

But, man, I hope it's me.  :)