Tuesday, February 24, 2009

My Own Personal Gethsemane

"Every true disciple of Jesus Christ will know their own Gethsemane." --Beth Moore, in lesson nine of her study Jesus the One and Only.

After they shared the Passover Meal and sang a hymn, "Jesus went out as usual to the Mount of Olives, and his disciples followed him (Lk. 22:39)." They followed Him. On His trek through the Kidron Valley to the personal cross He endured that very night as He submitted Himself to the perfect will of His Father. They had been following Him for three years. Learned from Him. Sought His direction. Studied under Him. Rabbi in Word. In deed. Indeed. But the true following, I think, was just about to begin on that trek through the Kidron Valley and into the Garden. Where He would lay down His life and fight the battle of all battles before He faced the battle in physical form.

There is so much about this study that challenges me. But the part I can't get over, the one that keeps repeating in my head, is the idea that if I am a true disciple of Jesus Christ, a true follower of Who He Is, then I too will face my own personal Gethsemane. A place, as Beth Moore puts it, "where serious decisions are made that will affect the rest of my walk (with Him)." And it might happen more than once in my lifetime.

Funny thing is, I think I'm there. Today, as I listened to her talk on the video, I realized the Lord's clarification of some, as of late, very persistent and personal thoughts in my head. And in my heart. Thoughts like, (okay don't lol) "Bria, put down the computer and play with your kids." And, "Bria, don't start a game of Pathwords, you know you'll get sucked in for another at least 45 minutes!" And "Bria, turn off facebook and listen to Me. I've got something better." Or even, "Bria, don't you know that what I have to offer is so much stinkin' better than any of what you could possibly be doing?!?"

And so I have to choose. It's time for me to make one of those decisions "that will affect the rest of my walk." And, I know it sounds (or looks) trite, but it's a very real struggle right now for me. Not just the time on the computer, but my "me time" as a whole. As an at-home mom, I've always been able to justify stealing whatever moments by myself that I could get, knowing that every mom needs alone time or she's just not her best. As true as that is, for me, in all pure and utter honesty, I think I've gone to the opposite extreme. No, my children are not neglected. But I must say, confess rather, that I certainly have not appreciated my opportunities with them to the best of my ability. And I most definitely have not been willing to forfeit my "me time" in order to submit in the Gethsemane way to the will of the One Whom I claim to follow.

But, you know what? That's just like Jesus. Agonizing. Hmm, cool. I guess i'm on to something. And now, to just do it....


laura said...

Oh Bria - you hit me in a healed-up wound of my own! I struggled a LOT - especially during my pregnancies when I was too tired and sick to get out of bed - with guilt. I also agonized over whether I was neglecting my children when I let them watch TV all morning while I "work" on the computer. I'm SOOOO empathetic.

I have to tell you that what I've finally come to terms with is that, as usual, it's all about BALANCE! I lost the battle at that time, but then there came a season that God ministered to my hurt and took away the guilt, which by that time had ceased to be Holy Spirit conviction and had turned into oppression. I have to say that when I really became freed of that bondage was during this last pregnancy when I just felt God tell me something like - "you know, it's not about what you DO, Laura. Waking up at 5 am to relieve your obligation to spend time with me is not doing either of us any good. Discipline for discipline's sake doesn't cut it." So I took a break from my daily devotionals/prayer time/blogging. After the morning sickness subsided, I experienced an absolutely amazingly sweet season of grace with my Lord. He protected me from oppression, He strengthened me every day, He gave me unquenchable joy and knit my husband and I closer than ever. From the looks of my WORKS, you'd never imagine that I'd deserve it. But that's the point, right? We don't deserve ANYTHING but wrath!

And you know, my kids actually seem SMARTER for all the PBS shows they watched at the time! lol We're still working out the details, God and I, but I am forever grateful that no matter how badly I mess up, love covers a MULTITUDE of sins. And that includes love of our children. Do your kids know without a doubt you love them? I'm sure they do!

Balance. I will pray that God so increases your love of your kids and joy in being with them that you will DESIRE to do exactly the right amount of interaction with them - not extremes either way. You could pray for me in that exact same way (as I type this while my kids watch Sesame Street)! lol I Praise the Lord for children, TV, school, computers, and most of all, grace and LOVE!!!

Very Sleepy Girl said...

thanks for sharing with such honesty.

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